First posted here.

TBG, dmd and Pat-- just wait a little while longer, and then one day you'll get a call like this (as you are riding home on the bus, and loathe to talk either long or loud on your cellphone in front of 50 other people):
*ring*
Me: Hello?
Milestone (Plus 6 Months) Daughter (Curmudgeonette): Uh, dad, are you going to Safeway for anything?
Me: Uh, no, I wasn't planning on it. Why? [Knowing full well the stupidity of asking "Why" but doing it anyway.]
Curmudgeonette: Um, er, I need something.
Me: OK, what?
Curmudgeonette: Well...um...
Me: Hello? Did you hang up? Are you still there?
Curmudgeonette: I'm still here, dad.
Me: OK, What do you need?
Curmudgeonette: Ah, um, YOU know. *quieter* Some pads.
Me: Pads? *and then realizing the nearest 30 people have heard me*
Curmudgeonette: Uh huh.
Me: *Very quiet* What kind?
Curmudgeonette: What? I can't hear you.
Me: WHAT KIND?!!?
Curmudgeonette: I dunno. Any kind, I guess.
Me: [Disregarding the 47 smart-ass remarks I could make but won't with 30 eavesdroppers] Ask your mother.
Curmudgeonette: I don't think she has any.
Me: No, ask her what KIND!?!
Curmudgeonette: She's not home from work yet.
Me: Then how do you know she doesn't have any... oh never mind. What kind was the last box?
Curmudgeonette: I don't remember. Mom bought them.
Me: Well, call her, then.
Curmudgeonette: I did. They said she's in a meeting with a customer.
Me: Can't it wait until I get home and Mom gets home?
Curmudgeonette: Daaaaaaaaad, I really NEED 'em. Noooooowwww.
Me: Oh jeez. Don't you ever plan ahead for these things?
Curmudgeonette: I ran out. I used four already today. I don't have any more.
Me: *Squirming* Jeez, too much information! I don't wanna know about this stuff.
OK, what are we talking about here? Kotex, Tampex, some kinda Maxi mini pads with wings, no wings, ailerons, training wheels, regular, heavy-duty, menthol, smoking or non-smoking, scented, unscented, floral blossom, mountain spring, what? Help me out here; what do you want me to get?
Curmudgeonette:
Me: Hello? Hellooooooo???
Curmudgeonette: Never mind, dad.
Me: No, just tell me what kind. You called, you said it was an emergency. I just need some help here. What color was the package?
Curmudgeonette:
Me: Close your eyes and try to picture it.
Curmudgeonette: Green.
Me: Green. Okay, big or little? Was there a picture? A lady, flowers, something?
Curmudgeonette: It might have been, like, blue.
Me: *silent, but in my head: %#@%$#@&%$##%$$*
Curmudgeonette: Green.
Me: OK, let's try something else. Was it the tube kinda thing, with the string, or the giant band-aid kinda thing? *ignoring the woman seated next to me, a complete stranger, whose hands are over her eyes and her shoulders are shaking from silent laughter*
Curmudgeonette: Eeeeuuuuw, Daaaaaaaad, that's gross.
Me: OK, never mind. I'm a guy, I don't know about this stuff. Look, I'll stop at Safeway and get something, and you'll just have to be satisfied with whatever I get, all right?
Curmudgeonette: OK. Get, like, the one with 48 in it.
Me:
Curmudgeonette: Dad?
Me: 48? What's that, like, a two-year supply or something?
Curmudgeonette: Daaaaaaaaad.
Me: OK, OK, 48. You got it. I'll go through the express lane with a 30-pound box of lavender-scented giant band-aids. Nobody will notice. Do you need anything else?
Curmudgeonette: Um...
Me: What.
Curmudgeonette: Some root beer?
Me:
Curmudgeonette: Dad?
Me: I'll be home in half an hour.
Curmudgeonette: Thanks, dad.
Me: *click*